You need therapy, you need meds, you need all the fucking things. People say nothing can stop those thoughts when they strike deep.

This is the reason I wake up every day, why I fight that fog, why I get into the shower and then put on my uniform. My lower lip trembles and it takes everything in me to pull it together. “You know there’s nothing I want more than to stay with you, right?” “Kir…” I crouch in front of him, making him stop walking. Kir loves our housekeeper and spends time with her when I’m not around. If there’s anything I hate in the world, it’s killing that spark in his features. “I said, you’ll do me mac and cheese later, right?” A world so pure, you’d want to mass-produce it and freely distribute it. His bright brown eyes are so shiny, you can almost see the world through them. His sun-kissed blond hair is in a short bowl cut that he takes pride in because it’s ‘the thing’. His pressed uniform has a wrinkle on the shoulder that I smooth with my hand. “Kimmy!” A small hand pulls on mine as my baby brother drags me towards the entrance of the elementary school.

That’s how my battle starts, and every day, I tell it not today. They’re the first thought you wake up to and the last thought you sleep on. When you wake up in the morning, they slowly condensate around you like they’re your life-long companions. You know that feeling when words keep hammering in your head until they form a suffocating fog? Until they’re all you can think about and all you can breathe? Until he can smile and show me his pretty dimples. Now, I’ll hug him until the pain goes away. He stayed with me until I fell asleep and didn’t leave my side. When Nana left, Xan hugged me while I cried. His pain is so real and close, it’s as if I’m the one hurting, not him.

I cry, too, because his pain feels like mine now. He sobs so hard, I feel the vibration against my skin. Xan wraps his arms around my waist, hides his face in my neck, and sobs. My knight is beautiful and can’t have dirt on his armour. “I hate it when you cry, too.” I inch closer and put my arms around his neck, keeping the one with the melting gelato away so I don’t make a mess out of him as well.

I sniffle, wiping my face with the back of my hand, mixing his tears with mine. Slowly facing me, he watches me closely, his blond brows pinching as more tears slide down his cheeks. Xan places a hand on my shoulder and shoves me, then stares at the ground. I’ll always be his Green and he’ll always be my knight.

Black knight rina